woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
I booty called her while she was in labor.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
I supernannyed him into submission
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
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