There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
if it makes u feel better, i skipped class so i could go to a sex convention in jersey a few hours earlier than if i went to class.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
