neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
