you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
send nudes
from the living room?
Randomize
