I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
