You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
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