I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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