Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
