Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
Do you remember whose house we're in?
Randomize
