My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
