Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
Randomize
