come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
Randomize