she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
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