I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
Randomize
