dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
I could fuck to npr.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
Randomize
