sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
Randomize
