so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
Randomize
