Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
considering how much of last night I don't remember and the amount of ones laying on my desk right now, it's safe to say I'm concerned
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
Randomize
