ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
I am at a striph cluv. They are ovealls everywhere. I have hot rock botto.
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize
