You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
Randomize
