i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Randomize
