susan atkins died, charles manson's lady
dont cry, there are other serial killers to crush on.
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
