So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
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