im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
Randomize
