can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
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