____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
Randomize
