we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Randomize
