I was hooking up with him in my car, he wouldn't stop with my nipples, I had to literally beat him off of me. He kept groaning too while he was doing it. Sick.
Mommy issues
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
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