You're so nebulous sometimes
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
