My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
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