You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
Randomize
