when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
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