Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
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