Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
Randomize
