she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
Randomize
