Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
I intend to get homeless drunk
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
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