I will die if light touches me.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
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