turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
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I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
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Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
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