She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
