I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
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On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
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