on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
