pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
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