Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
