I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
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