i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
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you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
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I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
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