Its not like he dircectly choose a cheeseburger over sex, it was more like I said seductively "I really appreciate this and I'm going to make it up to you anyway I can" and he replied "i want a bacon cheeseburger"
i guess he just knew i was going to sleep with him either way
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
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