I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
It's sad that he has such a beautiful cock and doesn't know what to do with it.
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
Randomize
