Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
40s are totally the cure
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
