you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
