Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
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