I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
do u usually make out with people before telling them your name???
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
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