I can text with my tongue
Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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