Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Randomize