I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
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