my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
Oh god it's open bar.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
Randomize
