WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
Randomize
