is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
I think a kid would responsible me up
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
Randomize
