can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
Randomize
